More than a year ago something happened that changed me. 13th of December 2008. It was the day that my cousin died. I’ve been thinking about that day a lot lately. Somehow I avoided it until recently. You ignore it and hope it will go away.
It wasn’t only the fact that he died when he was only 33 years old, but the way he died. He committed suicide.
My cousin and I were very close when we were little, like I was with almost all my cousins. In our family these bonds are very important and my cousins were always my best friends while I was growing up.
He was 6 years older than me, the oldest of us all. We were enjoying so much hanging out with him as he always had all these interesting things to tell and teach us. And he always had plans and dreams … of what he was going to do with his life…
He was the person who first taught me how to ride a bike. I remember how scared I was that day. He held the bike at all times while I was riding. After a while I got used to it and he was only holding just the side of the chair until, without me knowing it, he let me cycle alone. I managed to ride the bike without any help for exactly 10 seconds until I realized I didn’t have any support. And went straight into a bush 
He was always joking and seemed to be the most stubborn and strong person you could imagine. I just cannot figure out how someone like that would be able to commit suicide. I thought that people who were choosing to do that must have been very weak. And he definitely wasn’t. He was also a very religious person and since the church is strongly against suicide, his act came more as a shock.
Lately I read a lot about depression and suicide and people who had to deal with this.
The reality is that depression is a very serious disease which is not taken seriously. In most cases people fit depression into the same category as a simple cold or flu. Something that is not serious and that will go away when the weather outside gets better. But without professional help, it rarely does, it almost never does. It isn’t something you can just snap out of by your own will. Without help it becomes deeper and deeper and although to the people around it might look like the person affected by it is getting better, he’s actually trying more and more to hide it. The depression that leads to suicide is characterized by deep despair and hopelessness for a very long time… So that the only way out seems to be death. The best article I found on depression is this one: http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
It helped me understand that this wasn’t something that he really wanted. It was just the disease. And the fact that this happened to him who was one of the strongest persons I knew, could only mean that this disease like any other disease can affect anyone and it’s not a shame to accept it and seek help.
Although I understand now what he went through, the pain doesn’t go away no matter how much I would read and understand over the subject. For the family and friends it’s even more difficult when someone dies by committing suicide. Besides the pain suffered over the loss, the feeling of guiltiness makes it worse. When something like this happens to someone close to you, you cannot not wonder “What if I..” Somehow, with his death, the despair and hopelessness has been transmitted to his friends and family … During the first months after, my heart was pounding every time I heard my phone ringing. I became more sensitive to all kinds of news. I wanted to put an end to my long distance relationship as soon as possible and spend all my time with my husband not only the few days a month we had before. I also considered many times to move back to Romania so that I could be as close as possible to my parents and sister.
It’s hard dealing with the death of someone close to you especially when it happened in a very very tragic way. This kind of event just makes you realize how powerless we are… But I think it would be a mistake to accept the powerless and surrender yourself to despair and depression... No matter how much we cannot control life and death, I think the best you can do is live your life in the best way you can … Do whatever you want whenever you like, break as many rules as possible and don’t be afraid.
After his death, we wanted to do something that would help us remember him not only through our own memories. I knew he was writing poems and we tried to look for them and publish them but unfortunately they couldn’t be recovered. Maybe this is a reason why I started my own journal blog. Because I would have loved to have a journal of V. to read right now.
Miss you V.
